Fran Lebowitz

"You're only as good as your last haircut."

George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

Norman Douglas

"Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it."

James Thurber

"Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?"

Bill Vaughan

"The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them."

Joseph Conrad

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men."

Tallulah Bankhead

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."